What do I have? Does it matter? Was my psychiatrist right? Why can't I be on no meds? Can I be on no meds? What is the perfect combination of meds for me? Why can't I just be normal? What's wrong with my brain?

These are the types of questions I work with people on answering all day five days a week. I sit with them while they explore, but today, I am wrestling with them myself. I tell clients all day not to cling too much to the "flavor of the week" diagnosis they may have at whatever given point. Brains are just piles of pink mush anyway, right? But I can sympathize with the frustration of clients when I tell them to Elsa the diagnosis and focus on the treatment.

I'm a nice little bundle of Unspecified, as are most people. I had an unspecified eating disorder, a hair pulling disorder which is the most black and white thing I ever got, an unspecified depression disorder at one point, unspecified anxiety, and the latest was unspecified OCD, which I think fits me the best. If my psychiatrist pinned my brain down as correctly as he did my sleep disorder, I should be on 20 milligrams of lexapro for the rest of my life. I never was on that amount. I refused it when he suggested it. The highest I was ever on was 15 during my divorce. I cut down when I started feeling buzzy, and my psychiatrist asked if I had bipolar. Literally asked me that at the end of my yearly appointment one day and then signed off. By the way I don't have bipolar lol. Anyway, I lived on 10 for multiple years and was functional and happy for the most part, but I was afraid I was missing something. What if there were human emotions I wasn't experiencing? When my pharmacy fucked up I took that opportunity to get off the meds. It was then that I remembered why I got on them, but I assumed maybe it was just withdraw. I don't consider myself emotionally weak. Surely I could push through, me, a mental health professional with all the tools in the book. But my fixations were so loud and disruptive that I finally compromised on 5 mg. My brain fixated on everything, if a toenail wasn't exactly straight, I kept having the intrusive thought that it needed to be straight before I could continue with my day. I'd randomly have intrusive suicidal thoughts, I knew how to navigate them but they were loud and disruptive. I fixated on hairs on my face, cracks in the sidewalk, perceived tones from others, etc. etc. And don't get me started on cleaning, every surface was a landmine of fixations, every piece of dirt sent my mind around in circles. So 5 MG it is. And that's where I've been. I don't know... Things are still mighty loud in here. A few minutes ago, my limbs were made of lead for a while and I had to push myself to stop pulling my hair and go do notes instead. Then right after I did that, I noticed crums on the counter and found myself berading myself, so I redirected that train of thought and brought myself back to notes. It's like driving a school bus where the children on it want me to stop at every little thing to yell at my driving. Thank goodness it has not fixated on food, although when I caught wind of my weight a few weeks ago I had a few intrusive thoughts about starving myself and my brain berated me for eating meals for a while. It is an interesting bus ride. Sometimes I'm anxious, sad, and focused all at the same time. Is my brain normal? I know enough to know that isn't a thing. I know not everyone is like me though too. Not everyone assumed their parents died every time they left the room when they were five and made contingency plans for their death. Not everyone woke themselves up multiple times throughout the night to make sure their vocal chords still worked. But some people did, and do. So I'm back full circle. Am I on the right dose? There's no such thing. This question is another opportunity for my brain to fixate. One thing I really appreciate is I've been journaling more. When I thought about Dean recently, I cried, not a major cry but a little. I appreciate that. It feels more like me in here. And maybe the answer doesn't need to be black and white. Maybe for now 5 is working, because I have the time and energy to drive the bus and navigate the children when they insult my driving. And maybe at some point, I won't have that time and I'll want to increase again. And who knows, maybe at some point I'll throw all caution to the wind and take 0 again, although based on my last experience that seems ill advised. I feel better after writing this.

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2dissonance

December 2022

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